As the holiday season approaches, well-meaning parents start fretting over what to gift little Timmy's teacher (unlike me, who isn't exactly on the best terms with mine). But thanks to my delightful circle of mischievous mom friends—some of whom are teachers themselves—we've compiled a list of WHAT NOT TO GIVE EDUCATORS:
1. Personalized Items Avoid gifting anything emblazoned with your child's name or photo. Seriously, they've spent the entire year dealing with your precious angel; the last thing they need is his grinning face haunting them from a Christmas ornament like a festive Chucky doll during their well-earned break.
2. Homemade Edibles Steer clear of any culinary creations whipped up in your kitchen, especially if messy Mikey lent a hand. You might as well deliver a petri dish teeming with E. coli and suggest they apply it to open wounds. Put down the cookie dough; nobody is eager to sample your kitchen experiments (not even your spouse).
3. DIY Crafts Resist the urge to present any handmade crafts. Teachers don't need your amateur attempts at artistry cluttering their lives. If you feel compelled to knit a scarf or assemble a gingerbread house, keep it for yourself. The same goes for your five-year-old's artwork—it's a masterpiece meant for your fridge, not theirs.
4. Cheap Candles Unless you're splurging on something luxurious, skip the candles. Don't try to offload that bargain bin citrus-scented wax (or should I say "shitrus"?). If it's not from a high-end brand like Jo Malone or Diptyque, leave it on the shelf.
5. Bath and Body Products Gifting these suggests you're imagining the teacher in the tub—not exactly appropriate, Karen! Unless it's a spa voucher from a upscale boutique, it's best to avoid. They don't need another generic coconut-lime scrub cluttering their bathroom.
6. Oversized Tote Bags, Yes, they haul around a lot of stuff, but chances are they already have a collection of tote bags rivaling a department store's inventory.
7. Pet Goldfish, It's happened before. Pets are a responsibility that shouldn't be given impulsively—even if "Swimmy" comes with his own bowl.
8. Costume Jewelry Unless you're shelling out for something from Tiffany & Co., reconsider those festive dangling earrings that will likely cause an allergic reaction. Cheap bling isn't the way to say thanks.
9. Plants Do I really need to explain? As if they don't have enough responsibility, now they have to keep a fern alive? And no, they don't want a packet of seeds with a punny note about "planting the seeds of knowledge."
10. Sugary Treats Do you think they want to expand their waistline and be restricted to shopping at plus-size stores? A box of generic chocolates screams, "I didn't put much thought into this, but felt obligated." Spare them the calories and the sentiment.
11. Personalized Water Bottles A plastic bottle with a cheesy slogan like "Teaching is my superpower"? The only superpower they'll need is resisting the urge to roll their eyes. After receiving dozens, the novelty has worn off.
12. Holiday-Themed Items They don't require another Santa hat, ornament, or snow globe featuring your kid's face. Put that singing reindeer back on the store shelf and step away slowly.
13. Re-Gifted Hampers We all know what's in that "custom" hamper—the unwanted goodies from your pantry. Expired jam, obscure marmalade, and that soap that smells suspiciously like wet dog. The last thing they need is food poisoning to kick off their holiday.
Start treating teachers the way you'd like to be treated. Pool resources with other parents to get a meaningful gift card, a nice bottle of something special, or anything from The Immoral Gift Store. And don't forget to reward yourself—you've been juggling a lot this year, too!